Scenes from God of War II That didn't make the cut
by micman60
Summary: Awesome scenes from God of War II that should of made the cut. M for references of the sexual kind, bleeped out swearing and drug abuse. UPDATE: Chapter III of GoW II Abridged is up. Careful though, twist ending.
1. Chapter 1

SCENES FROM GOD OF WAR II THAT DIDNT MAKE THE CUT

by micman60

AN: I thought it was about time I fixed up all my chapters for your reading pleasure. I've corrected all my spelling and grammar mistakes. Enjoy.

Chapter 1

SETTING: Hades

Kratos (smoking pot): S- so Hades, What is this stuff called again?

Hades (also smoking pot): It's weed, man. jeez, you need to get more friends.

Kratos: You need to get more pot, we smoked it all.

Hades: (giggles) dude, YOU smoked it all. Go get some more from my secret greenhouse.

(5 HOURS LATER)

Setting: Hades' secret greenhouse

Hades (normal): (Storming in) Where the hell are you, Kratos? I... (Gasps)

(Kratos is naked in the middle of several thousand empty plant pots, asleep. Suddenly he wakes up. He is obviously stoned out of his mind)

Kratos: (Giggles) This is some high quality *BLEEP* man! I'll take a dozen!

Hades: YOU SMOKED ALL MY *BLEEP*ING POT!

Kratos: No, I smoked the tall one in the middle of the room.

Hades: NOT CONCHY!

Kratos: o_o

Hades: Uhh... I mean... Then who smoked the rest of my weed?

(Zeus wakes up from behind a few empty plant pots naked, also obviously stoned)

Zeus: (Giggles) This is some high quality *BLEEP* bro! I'll take a dozen.

Hades: HOLY *BLEEP*! Why did you smoke all my weed, Zeus?

Zeus: I found Kratos here and we had a few thousand kegs. then we smoked cones from the tall plant in the middle of the room.

Hades: THEN WHO THE *BLEEP* SMOKED ALL MY *BLEEP*ING POT!

(Suddenly Athena wakes up naked next to Kratos)

Athena: Jeez, Kratos! You sure know how to wield your godly powers! (giggles)

Hades: *BLEEP*ING HADES! WHY DIDN'T YOU SMOKE ZEUS' POT?

Kratos: Yours was nearer.

(Suddenly Persephone wakes up on the other side of Kratos)

Hades: PERSEPHONE? DID YOU AND THAT *BLEEP*HOLE *BLEEP* IN MY *BLEEP*ING SECRET GREENHOUSE?

Persephone: That *BLEEP*hole and Athena, Actually.

Zeus: Athena? I thought we had something special (cries)

Athena: That time with Mom didn't mean anything, Father.

Hades: WHAT. THE. *BLEEP*.

Zeus: (ignoring Hades) Don't forget those times when you were asleep.

Everyone else: O_O

Zeus: Oops.

Kratos: At least your father actually loved you (giggles)

Athena: He's your father too!

Kratos: But that means... I slept with my sister AND my uncles wife? OH GODS THIS IS GETTING MESSED UP

Hades: IT GOT MESSED UP WHEN YOU *BLEEP*ING *BLEEP*HEADS SMOKED ALL OF MY *BLEEP*ING POT!

Kratos: Not all. (Pulls out several thousand bags of weed)

All: HOORAY FOR KRATOS!

(2 HOURS LATER)

Hades (High Again): So, so you're tellin' me Persephone has a *BLEEP* AND a *BLEEP*?

Zeus, Kratos and Athena: Yep.

Hades: ...PERSPHOOOOOOOO-

End

AN: While I was here, I changed a few lines too. I think it's very much better then the old version. Would you agree?


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

The different takes on the sex minigame

AN: Fixed up.

TAKE 1!

Action!

Kratos: Hey baby, you ever been with a God?

Chick 1: No, but i've been with a horse, 2 midgets and a donkey.

Director: WE'RE ROLLING HERE!

Chick 1: Whoops.

TAKE 2

(Kratos smashes through the screens)

Kratos: Hey babes, how's it ha- Zeus! What the Hades... ATHENA! WHAT THE *BLEEP*, THIS IS NOT H MANGA.

TAKE 3

(Kratos smashes through the screens and finds 2 naked ladies)

Kratos: Hey girls...

(Things get raunchy)

Kratos (at the end): Oh yeah! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Staff 1: Yes, sir.

Kratos: OH SHI-

(Kraken comes and slaughters the god and babes)

Take 4

(Boom Mike covering the camera lens)

Staff 2 (voice only): Sorry.

Director: (frustrated sigh)

Take 5

Kratos (Obviously drunk and high): Oh man, you have GOT to see my wang! (unzips fly)

Chick 1 and 2: (Screams)

Chick 1: It's so... Small!

Chick 2: It looks like a worm, and not the big kind either!

Kratos: Oh, come on! It's huge! Isn't that right, Wang Can Sing?

(Kratos looks at his tiny junk for 7 seconds)

Kratos: See? He told you he was as big as a hydra!

Chick 2: It's the size of a tic tac, and about as dextrous!

Director: Kratos, go sober up, man!

Take 6

(Kratos is naked and just falls into the water humming the theme from The Posideon Adventure)

Director: Hey, let's just hire a stunt artist for the minigame and focus the camera on that statue!

All Staff: (Murmers of agreement)

AN: Fail AN removed. Oh yeeeeeeah.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Helios, Hades, Kratos and MORE POT! This chapter has been fixed.

ACTION!

SETTING: The Sun Temple

Kratos: Helios, as you are getting married to a mortal, we will throw you a mortal party...

Helios and Hades: Dude, WHAT.

Kratos: ...GOD STYLE, of course!

Helios: Now you're talking! Y-you had me worried for a second there!

Hades: I'll get the weed and the Ambrosia wine.

Kratos: Sweet.

SETTING: At The Foot Of Mount Olympus

Kratos: ALL MORTALS MUST ATTEND THE BUCK'S NIGHT OF THE SUN GOD, HELIOS!

Random Mortal 1: _will there be booze?_

Kratos: Yes. We have booze...

(Crowd cheers)

Kratos: AND WEEEED!

(Crowd cheers far louder)

(5 HOURS LATER)

All Mortals: Chug! Chug! Chug!

(Kratos is holding Helios upside down as he chugs Ambrosia wine with crude vodka and lemon juice. The keg empties and Helios splutters)

All Mortals: (cheers)

(Next up is Hades. He opens the gate of his face and inserts the nozzle.)

Hades: If my flame goes out, Relight it as quick as possible, Kratos.

Kratos (evilly): Got it.

All Mortals: Chug! Chug! Chug!

(Hades chugs a mixture of mushroom juice, finely shreaded cannabis and a pinch of cocaine. Suddenly Kratos "accidently" moves Hades so the booze flows directly into his flame. Fire flows straight out in front of him like a flamethrower, setting a nearby goat alight. Hades, now free of Kratos' clutches, gets up, runs around randomly and accidently falls onto the flaming goat, which starts to run away)

Hades: WHOOOOO-

(Goat Crashes into a tree, throwing off Hades)

Kratos: (pisses himself in laughter)

Helios: Umm, Kratos? Hades' flame is out.

Kratos: (Stops laughing and goes over to his fallen friend)

(Kratos heaves Hades onto the huge stone stage.)

Kratos: Shall we relight Hades' flame?

All Mortals: Relight! Relight!

Kratos: Ok then. let's DO THIS

(Kratos stalks towards Helios)

Helios: Uhh... Kratos? What are you doing...?

(Kratos picks up Helios)

Helios: *BLEEEEEEP*! *BLEEEEEP*! PUT ME DOWN!

(Kratos runs at Hades and tosses Helios headfirst into Hades' head-furnace. The flame relights, but...)

Helios (muffled): ZEUS DAMNIT, I'M STUCK!

Hades (muffled): -

Kratos: Ok, shut up!

(Kratos puts dynamite in an empty spot of Hades' head-furnace)

Hades & Helios: K-Kratos, what are you doing Kratos KRATOS WHAT'S THAT FIZZING NOISE KRATOS NOOOOO-

(A large explosion tears Hade's face apart and destroys Helios' head)

HADES AND HELIOS ARE DEAD

Respawn! Respawn!

All Mortals: (cheer)

Kratos: Hades, my friend, are you ok?

Hades: I feel like _someone stuck a head in my face and then blew it up with dynamite._

Kratos: Just lay back and have a cone.

(Suddenly Zeus, Athena and Persephone slide down the mountain)

Zeus: I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS PARTY!

All Mortals: OH *BLEEP* THE FUZZ!

Zeus: ...THERE ISN'T ENOUGH BOOZE AND WEEEED!

All Mortals: (cheers loudly)

(5 MINUTES LATER)

Kratos: So I said to the zombie "Smoke some weed bitch, or you'll go to Hades" and she believed me!

Gods: (chuckle)

Kratos: So she gets high, right, and I give it some extra kick. As in my foot.

Gods: (laughing)

Kratos: The hot bong water melted her skin and she screamed "Why does everything bad happen to me?". Turns out it was Paris Hilton!

Gods: (pissing themselves laughing)

Hades: Who's Paris Hilton?

Kratos: You know what? I dont know. all i know is that she was hideous.

Helios: (singing drunken ditties)there once was a man from nantucket, whose di-

Gods: HELIOS!

Kratos: YOU HAVE DISHONORED MY EARS! I challenge you to an Agni Kai!

Helios: But we're from God of War, not Avatar: Last Airbender.

Kratos: Jeez, I'm high. Hey ladies, wanna go grab some hot coffee?

Athena and Persephone: Yes sir!

(Kratos and the ladies move behind a giand keg)

Kratos: _Release the Kraken!_

Staff 1: Ok, sir.

(The Kraken was released)

Kratos: Not again! Holy *BLEEP*, RUUUN!

(Kratos runs out from behind the keg naked, Persephone and Athena in tow)

Kratos: Give me wisdom, Wang Can Sing!

(Kratos stares at his junk for 6 seconds)

Kratos: That's it!

(Kratos hops on the still flaming goat and rides away)

Kratos: OH *BLEEP*, YOU LITTLE *BLEEP*ING SON OF A *BLEEP*!... (with tear in eye) He was the best wang a God could have.

(Goat throughs Kratos off cliff)

Kratos: I regret nothing! (echoes follow)

(Kratos falls through to Atlas, landing in Paris Hilton's cell)

Paris Hilton: YOU LIED TO MEEEE!

Kratos: ...Uh oh.

AN: THAT sucker took alot of editing. I'm happy with it, though.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 11

AN: Hey, I want to thank all you guys who read my story. And I wish to give an extremely special thanks to Corad and Bijoux for their brilliant story Palace Stories and for making me one of their favorite authors! Thanks guys!

Different versions of God of War II

1: God Of Snore II

Kratos: *yawns* I might take a nap...

Soldier 1: But sir, we are in the middle of battle!!!

(Pan out to a battle scene)

Kratos: NO ONE stands between me and sleep!

(Kratos stabs soldier and uses his corpse for a pillow)

2: God of Bore II

Kratos: And that's why I am the greatest God of War ever!

(Pan out to show all the gods are asleep)

Kratos: Well, i guess there IS 1 advantage!

(picks god's pockets)

3: God of Lore II

(Several dragons are terrorising a castle)

Dragons: RAWR

(Suddenly Kratos shows up in a wizardly robe.)

Kratos: Die fiery hell lizards!

(Kratos pulls out a book and an eraser. As he erases a page in the book, the dragons begin to fade away.)

Dragons: NOOOOooooo_oooooo._...

(The dragons disappear with a pop.)

4: God of Door II

Roman Soldier 1 (knocking on a golden door): General Tsao? the invasion force is ready to fight Sparta.

(No answer)

Roman Soldier 1: Sir, we really need to move. The force is getting cranky.

(No answer)

Roman soldier 1: Sir, we need to get going! The Spartans may be putting up their defences!

(No answer. By now the soldier is worried. He opens the door and is sucked in. The door closes and a crunching sound is heard.)

20 MINUTES LATER

Roman Soldier 2: General Tsao? the invasion force is ready to fight Sparta.

5: God of Floor II

(A roman soldier is catapulted over Sparta's wall and crashes through a roof. Before he has time to recover, the floor opens up and swallows him. The floor closes with a crunch.)

6: God of More II

(A large group of chefs place a giant cyclops in front of Kratos, who devours it in seconds.)

Kratos: MORE!

(The chefs bring him several more. This process repeats about 500 times. Kratos is now incredibly fat.)

Kratos: More...

(Kratos accidently moves to much to the right and breaks through the wall. He rolls down a steep hill, breaking through many buildinds before breaking out of Sparta's walls.)

Kratos: WHEEEEE!!!

Chef 1: Do you think he'll stop?

Chef 2: Do you?

Both Chefs (5 seconds later): Naaah.

7: God of Poor II

Athena: And that's why we should...

(Kratos stumbles in drunkenly wearing a torn coat and torn shoes. He stinks of urine and whisky.)

Kratos: S...Sorry I'm late, I had t..to do something else first.

Athena: You were on the stairs of Olympus begging for change to passing harpies!

Kratos: (falls over drunkenly)

Athena: (fustrated sigh)

8: God Of Roar II

Zeus: Kratos, It's time to pay rent.

(Kratos roars in Zeus' face, tearing of Zeus' beard and his robes)

Zeus: Never mind.

9: God of Claw II

Freddy Kruger: I may be dead, but I have these claw-gloves to help with my passion for gardening!

(The claws kill a dreaming person who was randomly walking by.)

Freddy Kruger: Hey, that felt pretty sweet. It still doesn't beat gard...

(The claws kill another dreamer)

Fredy Kruger: Who the hell am I kidding, this is SWEET!!

10: God of Boar II

Zeus: That was a busy day, destroying all of Sparta. I wonder what's in the fridge...

(Zeus opens the fridge and is buried under a mountain of boars)

AN: XD! It's amazing what I can do with video games and rhyming words!


	5. Chapter 5

Scenes of God of War II That Didn't Make the Cut Presents...

God of War II: Abridged

**AN: it's finally the end! Thank you to all people who have read this! But i'm actually going to begin this story on a serious note with a quote from Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil:**

_**He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. **_

**Thank you and enjoy the story.**

**Oh! Also, before I forget, the battlescenes will be in 3rd person.**

Gaia: By defeating Ares, Kratos, the once mortal warrior became the new God of War. However, Kratos soon found himself alone on Olympus, shunned by...

Kratos: Shut the *BLEEP* up, i'm trying to enjoy my babes!

Gaia: What the *BLEEP did you just say to me?

Kratos: I'm sorry, what I meant was... Ahem... **SHUT THE *BLEEP* UP YOU LOOSE*BLEEP*ED *BLEEP*SUCKING *BLEEP*! I'M TRYING TO *BLEEP*ING ENJOY MY *BLEEP*ING HAREM!**

Gaia: Go *BLEEP* your mother!

Kratos: *BLEEP* this! you just ruined a perfectly good boner! i'm gonna go watch the war!

SETTING: Pool of TVlike Properties

Gaia: Ahem... But Kratos had no need for the love of petty gods. He had found a new family in the warriors of Sparta. Bringing solace from his past with...

Kratos: What the *BLEEP* did I just tell you? LEAVE ME ALONE!

Gaia: Go to Hades, you limp-*BLEEP*ed piece of *BLEEP*!

Kratos: GAAH! Someone kill me!

(Zeus creeps around a corner)

Kratos: Don't. Even. THINK ABOUT IT.

Zeus: Aww.

(Zeus slinks away)

Kratos: Alright, here comes my shoutout!

Spartan Warrior: My Lord, Another...

(Warrior runs past with top half on fire)

Spartan Warrior #2: AAAGGHH!

Spartan Warrior: Dude, that's number one. You *BLEEP*!

Spartan Warrior #2: ...oh.

(Spartan Warrior #2 shuffles away)

Spartan Warrior: Ahem... My lord... Ahh *BLEEP* it. Get down here and win it for us.

(Kratos walks away, but runs into Athena)

Athena: Enough Kratos! With every city you destroy the wrath of Olympus grows. Soon I will no longer be able to protect you.

Kratos: I need no protection!

Athena: That's what you said when you *BLEEP*ed your way through Hade's harem to give Cerberus a bone...

Kratos: And what a good bone it was...

Athena: That's not the point. The point is...

Kratos: I got AIDS!

Athena: ...Yes, Kratos, the point is you have AIDS and will go the way of Freddie Mercury.

Kratos: ...Like _Freddie? _*sniffle*

Athena:..Ughh. *Facepalm* Listen: If you destroy Rhodes, Zeus will kick your *BLEEP* to Tartarus. Got it?

Kratos: Freeeeediiiiie!

Athena: Forget it then. Enjoy your downfall, *BLEEP*.

(Athena leaves)

Kratos: ...And now i'm done, what do you want? (looks around) Aww.

(Kratos falls to earth)

Gaia: Kratos had turned the pain of his... You know what? I'm gonna just shut up now.

SETTING: Rhodes

(Kratos lands, smashes stuff. An eagle flies down and brings the Collosus of Rhodes to life and tries to drain Kratos' power. Kratos swats it like a mosquito, squishing it. He picks it up and flings it into the sky)

Kratos: Nice try, *BLEEP*holes! (moons sky)

SETTING: Pool of TVlike Properties

Zeus: GAAH! (gouges out eyes)

SETTING: Rhodes

(Kratos is giant and naked sharing a joint with the Collosus)

Kratos: So I say "Hades says you're free now" and he's all like "AWESOME!".

(The Collosus chuckles)

Kratos: So I grab the giant boulder he was rolling up the hill and hold it as he runs down to leave. But then I trip him with one of my blades.

(The Collosus laughs)

Kratos: And then I let go of the boulder and it ran right over his legs, crippling him. And the best thing is he still has to do it in a wheelchair!

Collosus: (laughs really hard) Wait, who you talkin' 'bout again?

Kratos: I think it was...Syphilis? Something like that...

The Benelovant Author: Stop smoking weed and start dong stuff!

Kratos: Wht don't you go down the street TO YOUR MOTHER?

(Kratos highfives Collosus)

TBA: You wanna play like that, huh? Well guess what?

(Kratos suddenly materialises in a gay bar in a tutu)

Kratos: Oh *BLEEP*.

(10 minutes of buttrape later)

TBA: NOW will you follow my orders?

Kratos: I follow no one!

TBA: Suit yourself.

(Kratos grabs his blades and brutally slaughters all gay guys raping him)

TBA: Gawd, finally!

Setting: Rhodes. 1st Fight

(Kratos materialises at a giant catapult, normal size. He sees his friend/nemesis still stoned as Hades in the water)

Soldier: Kill the Ghost of...

(Kratos slams his blade into the side of the soldier's head. The blade goes right through)

Soldier: ...Ow. (dies)

(Kratos gets to the catapult and aims it upwards. With an almighty kick, the lever holding the band is smashed and the boulder flies up into the air, then straight down into the port... Onto The Collosus' nuts.)

Collosus: You *BLEEP*!

Kratos: Go *BLEEP* your creator!

Collosus: I would, but his... Hey! You goin' down, foo!

(The Collosus kicks the wall Kratos is standing on. Suddenly, a giant boulder flies out from under Kratos, knocking him across Rhodes)

Kratos: Wheeeee!

Setting: The Bathhouse

(Kratos slams into the water so fast it boils. When Kratos jumps out, he is red all over. He goes to a changing screen and tries to open it. Nothing happens)

Kratos: What the *BLEEP*, it's stuck. How the *BLEEP* does a changing screen get stuck in a bathhouse?

Zeus (From Other Side): Bacause some people want some privacy, my son.

Kratos: Well, that makes se... Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!

(Kratos smashes open the screen to find Athena blowing... a little paper boat across the spa in a race with Zeus)

Kratos: WHAT THE... Oh. I thought you guys were...

Athena: *BLEEP*ing?

Kratos: Yeah. I'm outta here.

(Zeus puts another screen up and Kratos leaves)

-DIVIDING LINE-

Setting: Giant Door

(Kratos is walking along when the Collosus' foot bursts through a giant door)

Kratos: What the hell? I thought we were friends, you golden turd!

Collosus: YOU SLAMMED MY BALLS WITH A *BLEEP*ING BOULDER!

Kratos: Oh yeah.

(Kratos pushes against the foot until The Collosus falls into the sea)

Kratos: GO HIT UP MARIO FOR A MUSHROOM FIX!

(suddenly another boulder shoots up below Kratos)

Kratos: *BLEEEEeeeeee_eeeeeeep_...*

Setting: The Bathhouse

**(AN: You didn't think I would leave the sex minigame scene with no humor, did you?)**

(Kratos falls through the roof straight into Zeus and Athena's spa. Zeus is standing on the side forcing Athena to... I think you get it.)

Kratos: What the *BLEEP*!

Athena and Zeus: Oh *BLEEP*

Kratos: You stole my minigame! I KEEEEL YOU!

Athena and Zeus: 0_0 *blink*

(10 mins of brutal slashing and regenerating later)

Kratos: Die! Die!

Athena: Uhh Kratos?

Kratos: Die, *BLEEP*!

Athena: Kratos... the minigame is in the next spa.

Kratos: ...Oh.

-DIVIDING LINE-

Setting: The Bathouse

(Kratos is leaving the REAL sex minigame)

Kratos: (under his breath) I've had better...

Chicks: WHAT THE *BLEEP* DID YOU JUST SAY?

Kratos: Uhh... I've had better... Steroids!

Chicks: ...Sure.

(SAVE POINT!)

Setting: 2nd Boss Fight

(Kratos gets to the top of the climbwall. The Collosus gets himself up)

Collosus: TRAITOOOOR!

(Kratos jumps down. The fight begins)

^v^vShunuhnuhnuh...v^v^

Kratos landed with a heavy thump. It had been awhile since he had done this. "Uggh..." He moaned as he staggered around. _Hey, this kinda feels like i'm stoned... _He thought. But his train of thought was broken as he saw a giant hand flying at him.

He dodged the hand with a roll. _Heh, still got it _He thought before being crushed by the giant's hand. He peeled himself of the ground.

He dodged again. "Dude, are you using steroids or something? Because you're kicking my ass!" He cried out, hoping it would give him some time. "No, I'm just full of Godpower... I think..." The Collosus pondered. And in that split second, Kratos pulled out a giant joint wrapped in Tarantula silk.

"You like weed? Well have a whiff of this, bitch!" Kratos cried out as he through the giant joint to the Collosus. "Thanks, man" The collosus replied before taking one big puff. At first nothing happened. But then the collosus began to giggle. It progressed into a guffaw, then a chuckle and then finally a laugh. He laughed until builders fell out of his eyes, laughing to their watery grave.

Kratos drew his blades. After all, NO spartan fights fair. He ran up the arm the Collosus was using to support himself and began a brutal assault on the beast's neck. But the Collosus swatted him like a mosquito. _What the fuck is it with me and getting squished today? _Kratos thought before somehow composing his gelitised body into his former form. Except...

"Shit! I swapped my face and my ass!" Kratos cried through his new fleshy face. At hearing this, the Collosus roared with laughter. And in a rage, Kratos began to swing his blades around, hitting the Collosus in the eye.

"Aah! You assface!" The collosus roared. "I know. don't remind me." Krtos said cynically. The collosus looked around at Kratos and, actually seeing his ass grafted onto his head, laughed even more. Kratos took this chance to tear his cheeks to shit.

"Gaah!" the Collosus cried as his cheeks were brutally torn. And as soon as Kratos was done, He grabbed him and tried to crush him. But Kratos overpowered him and dug his blades into the giant golden turd's hand.

^v^vShunuhnuhnuh...v^v^

Collosus: Dude, I thought we were friends!

Kratos: So did I, but 10 minutes of buttrape changes things.

(Kratos covered his mouth. He and the Collosus exchange awkward looks)

Collosus: Okaaaaaay then...

(The Collosus flings Kratos across town. He lands in a harem of beautiful babes)

Kratos: Oh Zeus YES!

Girl 1: Eww, a guy.

Girl 2: (in disgust) A hot, handsome guy.

Kratos: What the hell! I AM THE GOD OF WAR!

Girls: AND WE ARE THE LESBIAN GUILD!

(The girls point to a large pink sign saying "Lesbian Guild")

Kratos: ...oh.

(Kratos walks through the exit door. It closes behind him with a scraping sound. Kratos looked around and saw the door was hidden among the wall)

Kratos: How the hell are they meant to get in, Oh Benevolant *BLEEP*head?

(Kratos appirates at an animal rights meeting wearing a minx coat and baby panda slippers)

Kratos: Oh COME ON!

TBA: Commit the crime and do the time, *BLEEP*head.

**AN: The next scene is FAR too brutal, even for here. Imagine it yourself you lazy noob.**

Setting: Rhodes

Kratos: Gawd, those board marks are really bruising up quickly.

(A fly lands on Kratos, depleting his health completely)

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn...

Scene: After The Elevator

Zeus : Kratos...

Kratos : I do not need your help, Zeus! I can take down this beast!

Zeus : I offer you more than help, Kratos. I offer you power.

Kratos: I got enough power right here. Catch!

(Kratos throws a little bottle into the sky. It breaks through the TV pool and smashes through Zeus' eye)

Zeus: GAAH!

(Zeus pulls out the bottle and examines it)

Zeus: Hmm... Steroids...

Meanwhile...

(Kratos has just run the broken bridge and is on the way to the final confrontation)

Kratos: I'm coming, you golden *BLEEP*!

Collosus: You queer!

Kratos: ...I fricking hate you.

Collosus: Hahahaa...

(The Collosus is silenced by Kratos' blade slicing his hand off)

Collosus: GAAH! That's it, *BLEEP*, it's on!

^v^v^v^vherewegoagainonmyown...^v^v^v^v

Kratos wasted no time in attacking his muscular friend. He jumped up and slashed every inch of its golden body. "Uhh... Kratos, man? I'm over here. You're attacking an advert for Collosus Tacos." He said, face in palm. Kratos stopped at once. _Ugh... _Kratos thought, cringing in embarrasment.

The Collosus did the stuff he usually did in this battle. That is, until Kratos picked up it's hand with his blades and swung it at his face. But Kratos was stoned out of his mind and miscalculated the throw. Don't worry, the results were better then expected.

"Guuh... I cahn't breahth!" The Collosus cried, trying to bite the solid gold fist in its mouth in half.

Kratos lol'd.

10 minutes later

The Collosus suceeded in biting through the fist, sending shards of gold everywhere. "I'm gonna get you good, bitch!" The now pissed-right-off Collosus roared. However, no one heard it. "...Hello?" whimpered the Collosus, it's voice like a lost puppy's.

No-one answered. Well, not directly anyway.

"OH FUCK YES, KRATOS! WHIP ME GOOD, YOU BALD ANGRY FREAK!"

The Collosus plucked up his ears. He could of sworn he'd just heard Kratos whipping Oprah from Damacus' BDSM Dungeon.

He then woke up at the bottom of the sea.

It turns out Kratos had lodged the fist so deep in his throat it had cut off all magic circulation, making him dead. However, some persian babes had come into town to check it out and ended up diving to him and taking his hand for scrap. _Hey, those persians are all right _He thought before trying to get up.

^v^v^v^vherewegoagainonmyown...^v^v^v^v

Setting: The Final Collosus Bossfight Area

Kratos : Do you see, Gods of Olympus! Do you need more proof than this!

(The Collosus' hand rises from the sea and crushs Kratos. He lifts himself out of the sea and looks at Kratos)

Collosus: ...Dude, that was easy.

(Collosus goes back to his watery grave)

Kratos: Oh man, that guy fights dirty.

(Kratos coughs up blood as his armor falls off. He attempts to get up.)

Gaia: Humiliated before his Spartan army, Kratos...

Kratos: (in a wobbly voice) Shut the hell up... I may be mortally wounded, but I could still kick your *BLEEP* to... To Zeus! Y-yeah!

Gaia: Well, why don't you try that? Something tells me we'll be meeting soon.

Kratos: Yeah right. Like i'm going to meet you, the oldest witch this side of...

Zeus: ENOUGH!

(Kratos shuts up)

Zeus: It's the narrator, you can't hear her!

Kratos: T-Then why can I?

Zeus: ...Shut up. Anyways...

(Zeus clears his throat)

Zeus : Yes, I am forced to attend to this matter myself. Athena refused to undo her mistake. Imagine caring for a creature such as yourself.

Kratos : Why? Why would you betray me? (starts to cry)

Zeus : It is you who would betray me! Am I to stand idly by while Olympus is threatened!

Kratos: (sniffle) ...Yes?

Zeus: Grr! You stoner idiot, you! You're moving out of home!

Kratos: But I don't wanna! (crys)

Zeus: Ok... You can pay rent then.

Kratos: What do you want?

Zeus: YOUR LIFE, SUCKER!

(Zeus lightningbolts Kratos in the eye and flys away superman style)

Kratos: Bye santa claus...

Gaia: As the life drained out of Kratos the arms of Hades reached out to claim their prize.

(Kratos gurgles in protest of Gaia speaking)

Gaia: You know what? It wasn't the arms of Hades. It was...

(Several penises rise out of the ground and wrap Kratos. They take him to Hades)

Kratos: Goddammit...

(He passes into unconsciousness. He wakes up floating in the air as a beam of light shines from above. A chick comes into view before him)

Kratos : Who... are you?

Gaia : I am the Titan, Gaia, ever present Mother of Earth. I have watched you become a powerfu...

Kratos: Wait a sec... I know that voice

Gaia: Oh yeah, i'm the *BLEEP* who's been pissing you off since Olympus.

Kratos: Goddammit, don't tell me my life rests in your hands...

Gaia: Well, not directly. According to the script, I get you all roused and you fight your way out of Hades.

Kratos: *BLEEP* no! There is no way my blade is touching undead zombie wang!

Gaia: Well, too bad. You should of thought of that before you called me a "LOOSE*BLEEP*ED *BLEEP*SUCKING *BLEEP*" at the start of this adventure.

Kratos: ...Oh well, I stand by it. Send me back to Hades.

Gaia: I _can_ warp you to the surf...

Kratos: SEND. ME. BACK.

Gaia: Ok, ok. jeez...

SETTING: The Surface

(The Spartan Warrior is taking a bonghit with some of the corpses)

TSW: Dude, Kratos is a total *BLEEP*! All he does is bang and fight, never does charity work!

(Kratos crawls out of the pit as it closes)

Corpses #1 & 2: *BLEEP*!

(The corpses take their positions. Kratos takes The Spartan Warrior by the throat)

Kratos: You forgot something.

TSW: W-what?

Kratos: I smoke weed too.

(Kratos drops The Spartan Warrior and starts to laugh)

Kratos: How about a hit for the road?

TSW: Ehh... I dunno...

Kratos: I have craaack weeed...

(The Spartan Warrior goes rabid)

10 MINS LATER

Kratos: So I farted into Helios' flame right into Hade's helmet and resurrected him!

(TSW laughs a bit)

TSW: hey, have you heard the Spartan Odyessey of Athena?

Kratos: Oh man, that *BLEEP* is famous on Olympus! Never heard it though, what's it?

TSW: Well, Athena was a teen at the time, and had one *BLEEP*er of a temper. One day, she decided to destroy Sparta, and all people within it.

Kratos: Oh gods, that's bogus!

TSW: Yeah, that's what Spartacus said. So he got all the metalworkers into the town square and said...

***********FLASHBACK************

Spartacus: Friends! Subjects! We must do something about the teenage PMSing Athena!

Blacksmith: But me lord, metal cannot pierce the flesh of a god.

Spartacus: Fool! I know metal can't pierce her flesh, but how about RUBBER?

(The blacksmiths get that 0_o look)

Spartacus: Here! (pulls a blueprint from behind his back) See my plan!

(The blacksmiths crowd around the plans. One by one, smiles register on their faces)

A WEEK LATER

(Spartacus is standing by a giant catapult with a large box in the sling)

Spartacus: FIIIRE!

(The catapult is fired. The box falls apart to reveal... A dildo. It shoots under Athena's dress. Suddenly she stops her rampage and grabs the dildo)

Spartacus: SUCCESS!

*********FLASHFORWARD*********

TSW:...And that's how we broke the big drought of 86 BC.

Kratos: Nice!

(Kratos hi5s The Spartan Warrior. Pegasus suddenly flies down and smashes into the ground)

Kratos: Woah, he... He must of been chewing on some... Unicorn-nip!

(The Spartan Warrior bends over in a gigglefit)

TSW: Dude, you're messed up!

Kratos: I know, I think Pegasus is here to take me ho... Oh *BLEEP*, I remember now! That *BLEEP*hole Zeus banished me!

TSW: Sucks to be you.

Kratos: Dude, get the *BLEEP* up, you gotta get back to Sparta! Rebuild the army!

TSW: But I don't wanna! *cries*

Kratos: DO EET!

TSW: Fine. But you owe me White Castle!

(The Spartan Warrior starts to walk back to Sparta screaming "WHIIITE CAAAASTLE!". Kratos gets on Pegasus)

Pegasus: (in Johnny Cash's voice) Where you wanna go?

Kratos: Holy *BLEEP*, you're Johnny Cash?

Pegasus: No, you just took a bad hit and you're hallucinating.

(Pegasus disappears and Kratos finds himself hanging by Wang Can Sing over the bay)

Kratos: ...Goddamit, Zeus sold me tainted crack weed!

Setting: Pool of TVlike Properties

Zeus: Aww, didn't work.

Setting: Back Up Top

Kratos: Hey, I think that stretched Wangy a bit!

Wang Can Sing: (in Dustin Hoffman's voice) Maybe if you lost some damn weight, I wouldn't be in so much damn pain!

Kratos: Holy *BLEEP*, you're Dustin Hoffman?

Wang Can Sing: No, bad trip

Kratos: Aww.

(Kratos wakes up in the Titan Cavern)

Kratos: ...Oh man, Johnnysus must of lifted me up and gotten me to safety.

Rock: No, bad...

Kratos: Shut the *BLEEP* up!

Rock: Aww.

(the Rock does so)

Typhon : Who dares to enter this place?

Kratos: Your mother! (laughs)

Typhon: Ooh, Mommy! did you bring cookies?

Kratos: (turns to the 4th wall) _Come on._

TBA:...Yeah, that's bad, even for me. I need to fierce him up a bit...

^v^v^vIficouldturnbacktahm^v^v^v

Typhon : Who dares to enter this place? SPARTAN LAZARZ SHNAPPY!

Kratos:...Ok, I think his brain has frozen over.

*End of stage 1 of 3 of Act 1*

**AN: I'm continuing the chapter, but so I don't have to go (Kratos turns right, then he turns left) ect ect ect, I've whored this thing out to ADS!**

Have you ever slayed a supernatural being, only to find their blood *old sfx scream* STAINS! Well, you don't have to worry about having a Cerberus Baby sandwich showing on your armor again, with Armor Squeeze! Just add a droplet of Armor Squeeze on it and your armor will be shiny enough to burn those damn faker Roman ships! So buy Armor Squeeze TODAY! _Disclaimer: Armor Squeeze Inc. does not take any responsibility for sterility, blindness, cancer, accidental pregnancy, giant hydras rising out of your armor and starting a rampage along the eastern half of Greece or pregnancy defects. Get a life._

*Start of stage 2 of 3 of Act 1*

(Kratos is sitting on a pedestal with a bong, as Typhon takes a whiff of one of Kratos' Tarantula silk joints)

Kratos: and that's how we broke the great drought of 86 BC.

Typhon: Nice!

(Typhon hi5's Kratos and crushes him)

Typhon: ...Oops.

(Kratos recomposes his gelatinised body perfectly. Except...)

Kratos: Hey Typhon, is there a finger on my head?

Typhon: Hmm... (looks) Uhh... *giggles* I guess you could say that...

Kratos: Oh no, you don't mean...

Typhon: yup, you're a literal *BLEEP*head! *laughs*

Kratos: Shut up!

(Kratos takes out Typhon's eye with his Blades and pulls out a bow and arrow)

Typhon: GAAH! Eyebow!

(Kratos flees)

Setting: The Prometheus Hand

(Kratos is walking along when he's approached by a film crew)

Director: Hello sir, could you please help us film a scene in a movie we're making?

Kratos: what's the pay?

Director: Hmm... 3 sickles and a dungbomb.

Kratos: DEAL!

(10 mins later)

Director: Aaaand... ACTION!

Prometheus: God of War! You... live!

Kratos: I no longer walk with the Gods. Who has placed you in this torment?

Prometheus: Zeus! My only crime was helping mankind. When I took the Fires of Olympus to the mortals, Zeus considered it a betrayal. As punishment, he made me mortal and condemned me to be savagely consumed everyday by this cursed bird. Then with the fall of night I am healed. How long have I been here? How long have I suffered this curse? I truly do not know...

(The bird noms on his liver. Kratos stares hungrily)

Kratos: Mmm... Liver...

(The supposedly dead Prometheus bursts out laughing)

Kratos: Sorry.

Take 2!

Prometheus: How long have I been here? How long have I suffered this curse? I truly do not know...

(The bird noms on his liver. Kratos dropkicks the bird's head, revealing mechanical stuff)

Kratos: What the... THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!

(Kratos pushes the mechanical bird which goes berserk and breaks a few of of Prometheus' chains. He goes down and starts to choke)

Prometheus: I wish... *choke* I was... *gag* DEAD!

Kratos: easily arranged!

(Kratos pulls out Typhon's Bane and breaks the chain)

Prometheus: Oh *BLEEP*!

(Prometheus burns in the fires of creation and stumbles out as a skeleton, turning into dust as soon as he hits the ground)

Kratos: ...Hey Joe, do you think snorting a titan's ashes gets you crazy-high?

Director/Joe: Only one way to find out!

(Kratos and Joe the director climb down and do lines of Prometheus)

Kratos: Anything?

Joe: ...nope, nothing.

(suddenly Joe bursts into flames and is reduced to a skeleton)

Jeleton: What the *BLEEP*! Why can I see my tailbone? WHY CAN I SEE MY *BLEEP*ING TAILBONE!

Kratos: I think Prometheus got pissed off *laughs*

Jeleton: Goddammit! I bet you get some godpower, I bet my legs!

Kratos: You're on, Skeletor!

(Suddenly Gaia's voice booms from a nearby mountain)

Gaia : You have freed Prometheus from the torment of the Gods. His flesh has tainted the Fires of Olympus and embodied it with power of the Titans.

(Prometheus' ashes surround Kratos giving him Rage of the Titans)

Gaia : These ashes will give you great strength, Kratos. Take them within you and use this strength to defeat your enemies.

(the montain disappears. 10 minutes of silence pass)

Jeleton: ...GODAMMIT!

Kratos: Hah, I get your legs!

(Kratos fixes them to a nearby backpack)

Kratos: Now I don't have to walk so much!

Jeleton: GIMME MAH LEGS!

Kratos: Never!

(15 mins of immature name calling)

Kratos: Ok, so if I let your body ride in the pack and fix your head to the flap, you'll let me use your legs?

Jeleton: Yup.

Kratos: Alright! i'll take them for a spin!

(Kratos gets on his back and the skeleton legs start to walk. Suddenly they break in two)

Kratos: ...Dude, that was _not _cool

*LATER*

(Kratos lifts Typhon's hand with RotT and gets to Pegasus)

Kratos: Johnnysus AWAAAAAAY!

(Pegasus flies of normally)

*End of stage 2 of 3 of Act 1*

Adbreak!

Are you tired of waiting in traffic to get to work, just to get fired the second you walk in the door? You are? Then you need the *echo* BLAAAAADES OF HAAAADES! (end of echo) These badboys have 5 carot gold on the side panels and the blade itself is 100% pure hadesiquilum which is guarenteed to never, EVER stain, bend or snap! It might shatter under the heat of the center of the sun, but that's a billion miles away! These *echo* BLAAAAADES OF HAAAADES *end of echo* are good for EVERYTHING, like: tearing off car roofs overthrowing the world and cutting steak! Get the BLAAAAADES OF HAAAADES today! *whisper* _what, i forgot the echo? Oh Sh..._

*Start of stage 3 of 3 of Act 1*

(Pegasus is riding through the air before he gets speared. Kratos and his party of friends go down)

Pegasus: Oh no, i'm going down into a burning ring of fire!

Kratos: Wait, what the...

(Kratos hits the cliff-face)

Kratos: ...Oww.

Joe: Wait, was that... Johnny Cash?

Kratos: No, long story.

Joe: Will you tell me?

Kratos: Later.

Joe: No, now!

(Kratos sighs)

Kratos: wow, this pack sure is heavy! I wonder how fast I can climb if I ditch it...

(Kratos shrugs the pack off into one hand)

Joe: Ok man, not funny. NOT FUNNY!

Kratos: wait until later or i'll feed you to the Kraken.

Joe: What the *BLEEP*, man! We're friends, dammit!

Kratos: No, we negotiated if you became my bag buddy I could use your legs to rest mine, and they're snapped to Hades.

Joe: Ok, ok, i'll wait.

Kratos: Good.

(Kratos continues his climb)

*LATER*

(Kratos drags the corpse to the door switch and opens the passage. He is met with an uzi pickup)

Kratos: What is this strange machinery? Where did it come from?

(Meanwhile, in the real world...)

Jaffe: Uhh... did we seriously program an uzi into God of War II?

Staff Member #1: No, John did after 5 cans of Mountain Dew and a GTA gaming marathon.

John: BLAAAME THE DEW!

(Back to the game, now)

(Kratos is trying to figure out how to use this piece of strange technology)

Kratos: Hmm... Maybe if I hold it up to my eye and squeeze this...

*BANG*

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: Uhh... Where'd my Uzi go?

Joe: Dude, you shot yourself in the eye, be thankful you're puzzled!

Kratos: Shut up, bones! I got some buttkicking to do!

(Kratos kicks total butt throughout the level. He finally finds a bridge on which to talk to Gaia)

Kratos : Why do you aid me, Gaia?

Gaia : Zeus must be stopped, Kratos. His story of revenge has been told before. You know of the mighty Titan, Cronos? So fearful was Cronos of the Oracle's prediction that his own children would rise against him that he decided to imprison all in his belly.

Kratos: So this dude ate babies? Oh my god, i've found the ancestor of Cher!

Gaia: *chuckles* No, he had an actual jail built into his stomach.

Kratos: How the hell does that work?

Gaia: i'm just a titan. For all I know, he got really *BLEEP*ing smashed and ate some of Tartarus.

Kratos: Holy Hades, that's awesome!

Gaia: Yes, well, anyway... Rhea stood by and watched as her children were devoured one by one. But when the time came for the last of her children to be eaten, she was unable to bare another such loss and devised a trick to save the baby Zeus.

Kratos: What, did she hide him in her *BLEEP*? Because seriously, any chick her size would have to be pretty loose after Cronus banged her.

Gaia: You know how small Rhea was?

Kratos: I went to school, you know. She was a bit shorter then me.

Gaia: Well... Stop interrupting. Now, where was I... She called her eagle she named Hawky to take him to an island. Rhea commanded the eagle to secretice on her way. And he was taken to that island far beyond the watchful eyes of Cronos.

Kratos: She called her eagle... Hawky.

Gaia: Yes.

Kratos: Seriously, _Hawky._

Gaia: Yes.

Kratos: ... Go on.

Gaia : It was I who cared for him. It was I who kept him safe.

Kratos: You kept that horse butthole alive for... what, 19 years? You taught him the skills to capture you! HAH, you dug your own cell!

Gaia: Yes, yes, it was a costly mistake. But I have been fighting his presence ever since.

Kratos: ...But you're in Tartarus.

Gaia: ...Shut up and continue.

Save point!

(Kratos is near the Horsekeeper door when he sees another film crew. They come over to him)

Director: Dude, there was, like, this film crew who, like, mysteriously vanished at the Fire of Olympus, and left their half-made film in their cameras, so we're, like, continuing the film. Could you, like help us in this scene?

Kratos: I get paid in weed, no tainted *BLEEP*.

Joe: Don't listen to him, he's a deat...

Kratos: just a second, buddy, gotta fix this backpack o' mine

(Kratos turns away from the new canadian director and ballgags Joe)

Kratos: Ready!

*10 MINS LATER*

Director: Aaaaaaand... ACTION!

Theseus: The Ghost of Sparta. Then what they say is true.

Kratos: Theseus...

Theseus: Of all the fools who try, you would be the last I would expect to seek an audience with the Sisters of Fate.

Kratos: And you are the last one I would expect to become such a lardo. Seriously, how many pounds have you packed on?

Theseus: That really hurts, man. It really hurts. *cries*

Take 2!

Theseus: Of all the fools who try, you would be the last I would expect to seek an audience with the Sisters of Fate.

Kratos: And you are the last one I would expect to become a servant of the Fates.

Thesus: I serve and protect the Sisters of Fate for the glory of tacos!

Kratos: wait, wait. They pay you in _tacos_?

Theseus: Hmm? Oh, no no no, I was thinking about tacos and...

Take 3!

Thesus: I serve and protect the Sisters of Fate for the glory of Zeus!

Kratos: The time of Zeus is coming to an end.

Theseus: Hmm... You seek the Sisters to kill Zeus?

Kratos: Yes, I plan to go back in time and... ABORT ZEUS WITH A COATHANGER!

(everyone on set laughs hysterically)

Director: You know, that, like, makes it a wrap.

Joe: *muffled voice* Nhoo! mhy mhaspherpeeph!

Director: what was that?

Kratos: Umm... Uhh... Your mother!

(Kratos runs hysterically)

Crew Member #1: ...Dude, I think he's a stoner.

(Meanwhile, far away from there...)

Kratos: Yes, the horses are responding!

(Kratos is on top of a horse's ear dangling a carrot in front of it. Suprisingly, it works)

Joe: Holy crap, Kratos, that actually worked!

Kratos: Woah, I think i'm sobering up...

(Kratos falls off the horses head and curls into the fetal position)

Kratos: MOMMY, WHY WON'T YOU HUUUUUG MEEEEEEE? *sobs*

Joe: *faces the 4th wall* ...Dude, this guy is messed up.

*20 MINS LATER, AFTER A POT BREAK*

Gaia : You must return to the island, Kratos. Your journey to the Sisters of Fate has only just begun.

Kratos: Get off mah back, beach!

Joe: Sorry Gaia, Kratos hasn't been rehighed for awhile i'd guess

Gaia: Shut up skull, this is between me and the Ghost of Sparta.

Joe: It has EVERYTHING to do with me, that *BLEEP* burned my body to ash!

Gaia: You snorted Prometheus' ashes!

Joe: So did Kratos, but he got a Gods-Damned Godly POWER!

Gaia: He's a hero, he needs godly powers! Oh, and that reminds me, Kratos, Cronus wants you to have this.

(Gaia gives Kratos a new power)

Joe: WHAT THE HELL! GIVE ME A POWER TOO!

Gaia: _Aaaaany _power?

Joe: Yes!

Gaia: Ok. Instant break bones, can't take more then a gentle squeeze

Joe: GODDAMMIT, KRATOS SNORTED ASHES, HE GOT A COOL POWER, I SNORTED THE SAME ASHES AND I GET BONES WEAKER THEN MJ'S BONER WHEN HE WATCHES A CELEBRITY SEX TAPE!

Gaia: Go to Hades!

Kratos: ENOOOOUGH! If you two don't stop, i'll gently squeeze Joe's head!

Gaia: That's not a threat! THIS IS A...

TBA: SHUT THE *BLEEP* UP NOOOOOW!

(All the characters shut up. Gaia reinforces Joe's bones)

*LATER*

Setting: Near The Barbarian Warrior Arena

Kratos: Ok, we've set up the tent, made a bugzapper with my Cronus Powuh, captured a bag of koalas...

Joe: And you're polishing my kneecap!

Kratos: Uhh... No, i'm not.

Joe: Well, something is shining it... my kneecap fee...

(Joe's eye sockets comically widen)

Joe & Kratos: OH *BLEEEEP*!

(Kratos dropkicks the backpack into the murky bog water. A racoon with a hat tries to get out, but fails)

Joe: ...Dude... What the *BLEEP* is in your stash?

Kratos: I dunno, Joe my friend. I dunno.

(Suddenly The Barbarian Warrior rides past and uses his hammer to whack Joe's head like a croquet ball)

Joe: OH *BLEEEEEeeeeeee_eeeeeep_*

(Joe's head hits a tree and shatters into a thousand pieces)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: What the hell, man!

Barbarian Warrior: *In british Accent* I've got a score to settle, bitch!

AN: End of act 1! As you can guess, I changed writing styles a few times durig the making of this, including the 3rd person battlescenes. Review and tell me what you think, but don't go "This is friggin crap, I can do better" ect. I am open to constructive criticism, though.

Just to clear up some bad blood between the "flamers", sorry I was such a little bitch when I was 13. I realise now you guys weren't doing anything wrong. But this is set in Ye Olde times, in the time of GoW II. I mean the entire fic, btw, not just this. I don't really count the 3rd person irl stonerfest because it wasn't my general style. But, credit to me, it was the best 3rd person fic I ever wrote. In fact, i'm not very proud of some of the fight scenes here. They don't even light a candle to the other one. But, alas, they're in there.

So yeah, sorry guys. If you've read the long chapter before you, thank you for sticking with me to the end. Unless you've just discovered this and skipped to the end. Then screw you, read the classics. NOW.

But yeah. Thanks guys.


	6. Chapter 5 part II

Scenes of God of War II That Didn't Make the Cut Presents...

God of War II: Abridged

Part Two

AN: Part 2 of the who knows how many installments of GoW II Abridged! I trust you'll of read most, if not all, of Part 1? I sure hope so, there was some general gold in there.

**PREVIOUSLY! On SoGoWIITDMTC: GoWIIA**

Kratos: *BLEEP* this! you just ruined a perfectly good boner!

Athena: Enjoy your downfall, *BLEEP*.

(Several penises rise out of the ground and wrap around Kratos)

Gaia : These ashes will give you great strength, Kratos. Take them within you and use this strength to defeat your enemies.

Jeleton: ...GODAMMIT!

Kratos: Hah, I get your legs!

Joe: Holy crap, Kratos, that actually worked!

Kratos: MOMMY, WHY WON'T YOU HUUUUUG MEEEEEEE?

Barbarian Warrior: *In british Accent* I've got a score to settle, bitch!

And now... THE MAIN EVENT!

(clippet of GoW II opening theme plays)

Kratos: Why did you do that? Leave Joe out of this!

Barbarian Warrior: He has EVERYTHING to do with this!

Kratos: ...Wait, this isn't about your fall from grace?

Barbarian Warrior: No. This is about... THE STEALING OF MAH COOKAYS!

Kratos: ...Oooooookay then...

(Kratos blades Barbarian Warrior in the arm)

Barbarian Warrior: What the *BLEEP*! Why did you do that?

Kratos: Oh dude, i'm soo...

(Kratos blades BW in the arm 3 more times)

Barbarian Warrior: Ow, stop it!

Kratos: I...I can't! It won't stop!

MEANWHILE...

TBA (me): Good. Good.

MEANWHILE...

(Kratos and Barbarian Warrior leap at each other)

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^Shuhnananana...v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

The Barbarian Warrior swipes at a pesky giant mosquito. "You're going down, bitch!" He growled. But Kratos wasn't fixed on him. He was cutting his toenails with a pair of wooden clippers. The Barbarian Warrior took the clippers and threw them into the middle of the lake. "Hey, those were a gift from Leonidas!" screamed Kratos, who then cut off Barbarian Warrior's beard. The Barbarian Warrior squealed like a little girl. "That took me **35** years to grow!" He growled, raising his hammer. He then fell flat on his face. He had been bitten by a mosquito and it had sucked the 1 drop of blood left in his undead zombie carcass.

Kratos then woke up to Barbarian Warrior holding him by the leg and smashing his head on the ground. "Goddammit..." He gurgled.

Meanwhile, Joe had somehow dived and gotten his bones back, and was reconstructing himself. "JOE! HEEELP" Kratos squealed. With a sigh, Joe threw his leg at BW, nailing him between the eyes and pushing him into the swamp water.

"PWND!" Cried Zeus, looking through the TV pool, not realising that Kratos was the ENEMY.

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^Shuhnananana...v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

Joe: Dude, throw me my leg back!

Kratos: _But it's miiiiine..._

-FLASHBACK-

Kratos: Hah, I get your legs!

-FLASHFORWARD-

Joe: ...GODDAMMIT!

Kratos: _Hey, can you push that log into the water? I need to get back across._

Joe: ...*evil grin*

Kratos: _Hey, c'mon! Gimme the loooog!_

Joe: ..._Swim._

Kratos: _Wait, _what?

Joe: You heard me, you *BLEEP*! SWIM!

Kratos: _But I don't wanna!_

Joe: DOO EEET!

(1 hour of "eww"s and "THE SMELLY ARM TOUCHED ME!"s later)

Joe: I'll give you credit, Kratos. I didn't think you'd do it.

Kratos: Uhh... Yeah. I had help.

Joe: How could you get he...

BW: *echoy voice* Let me out! it smells like death in here!

Joe: You didn't...

Kratos: I did! I smashed his head open and stole his big hammer! *laughs insanely*

Joe: ...Not what I had in mind, but ok, that's cool.

Kratos: Yeah, and his soul is now imprisoned in...

Joe: Your *BLEEP*hole?

Kratos: No, you sick skeleton director thingy, he's trapped in his hammer!

Joe: ...Oh. My bad.

BW: Please let me out! You can keep the cookies!

Kratos: Oh no you don't... _Hammerina_

BW: ...What the *BLEEP did you call me!

Kratos: You are now property of me, and i'm calling you Hammerina!

(Kratos puts a blond wig on the hammer. Joe watches on, dumbfounded)

BW: DID YOU JUST PUT A BLOND WIG ON ME!

Kratos: You look _PRETTY!_

BW: Ooh, I do? Add a bow, add a bow!

Joe: Uhh... Kratos? We've spent about 1 and a half hours in the same scene.

Kratos: Holy *BLEEP*, 4 srs?

(Kratos turns towards the screen)

Kratos: We are now converging somewhere else.

SETTING: Ruins of the Forgotten

Soldier: So I said to the monkeybutler... Wait, are we rolling?

(Soldier stands up and begins to run through the cave)

MEANWHILE...

Kratos: Man, i'm hungry. How about you, Joe?

(Joe shoves a joint into Kratos' mouth)

Joe: Don't get sober.

Kratos: But seriously, are you hungry?

Joe: Not really, seeing as I have NO STOMACH!

Kratos: Ok, ok, jeez.

(The soldier rounds the corner and begins yelling)

Soldier: You! Warrior! Help me! Help meeeee!

Kratos: Well, that was lucky.

(Kratos Extendoblades the soldier in the face and pulls him off the cliff toward him. The monster rounds the corner and grabs thin air)

Monster: What the *BLEEP* happened to my dinner!

Kratos: Uhh... Barbeque?

(The monster lets loose a dangerously low growl. Kratos gulps)

15 MINS OF FACE SLASHING LATER

Kratos: Black pudding anyone?

(Shares black pudding with Joe and Monster)

Monster: Well, that was fun. Dude, you should know you are about to face a locked gate, and the key is in that guy's clothes

(Monster points to the dead body a meter away from the picnic site)

Monster: But i'll just give you the key anyway, seeing as you make freaking AWESOME bloodshot eyeball stew!

Kratos: ...GODDAMMIT!

Joe: Ahahahaha, you know how I feel now!

(Kratos curls into a ball)

Kratos: DADDY, WHY MEEEE!

(Joe takes Kratos' joint and takes a huff)

Joe: ...This is tobacco. Dude, why are you making joints out of tobacco?

Kratos: STAY OUT OF THIS, SKELETOR!

(Kratos goes back to sobbing. Joe takes him by the nose and drags him to the locked gate)

SETTING: The Locked Gate

Skeleton 1: Hey, there's one of us!

Skeleton 2: Hey, you're right! AHAHAHA!

(Skeleton 2's head catches on fire)

Skeleton 1: Let's get him!

Skeleton 2: YEAHH!

(Meanwhile, Joe has dragged Kratos to the locked gate. He takes the key and unlocks the gate. The key melts in his hand)

Joe: Dude... Was that made of cheese?

UMOC: From my flesh!

Joe: What was that?

(Silence)

Joe: Ok, that was weird...

(The skeletons approach him in human clothes)

Skeleton 1: Excuse me sir, would you consider converting to a life of worshiping Euryale the fat *BLEEP*-snake Gorgon?

Skeleton 2: She gives you free cereal on BREAKS! Get it, breaks? WE'RE MADE OF BONES!

(One of Skeleton 2's ribs snap off)

Skeleton 2: Ow.

Skeleton 1: And she has good dental, too. Check out the benefits list!

(Suddenly a blade smashes through Skeleton 1's chin and shatters his skull)

Kratos: We don't talk... To _mormons..._

Joe: Uhh, dude. Gate's open. Let's go.

Kratos: Indeeeed!

(Kratos flys through the gate only to smash into a wall. He comically peels himself off)

Kratos: Ow.

(Stuff happens, Kratos gets to Jason's Dude)

JD: Jason...

Kratos: No, Kratos. What plauges you, my friend?

(Joe looks on, dumbfounded at this new, fast talking Kratos)

JD: Cerberus... He took Jason... Help me...

Kratos: Stay right here. I'll find Jason.

(Kratos walks towards the treadmill thing)

Joe: ...Uhh, dude. You've become serious.

Kratos: I know.

Joe: You're in a stoner comedy. You're meant to be stoned and stupid. And most of all, funny!

Kratos: I don't have to be stoned to enjoy success! I HAVE 5 GAMES!

Joe: THIS IS NOT YOUR GAMES!

Kratos: ...I know. THIS...

Joe: Oh *BLEEP*

Kratos: ...IS...

Joe: Dear god, don't tell me this is happening!

Kratos: SPARTAAAAAAAAA!

(The cave begins to shake. The wall containing Cerberus and Jason is destroyed. A large boulder falls on top of Cerberus, sparing Jason)

Joe: ...Holy crap, dude... You saved an ancient greek hero... With an awful movie reference

(Kratos ignores him)

Jason: DUDE! I had it under control!

(Jason stabs Kratos in the eye, which bleeds alot)

Kratos: AAH! Mah eye!

(Chokeslams Jason with his blades, decapitating him)

Joe: Uhh... Have you shot up or smoked recently?

Kratos: No.

Joe: Okay.

(Kratos takes the golden fleece and moves on)

SETTING: Euryale's Door

Kratos: Now it's time to test this baby out!

(Kratos steps into the green beams and holds up the fleece. The beems bounce off it into a pond, then onto a shiny rock and right into Joe, who turns into rock instantly)

Kratos: All aboard the electric blue banana phone! Whoooah...

(Kratos falls onto his face)

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: Whew, that was...

(Rock Joe shatters)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

Joe: Why are you not getting high anymore?

Kratos: I'm trying to prove a point.

Joe: To who?

Kratos: To my father... _Santa Claus..._

Joe: Uhh... Santa went the way of the dodo about the time you were born

Kratos: _Exactly..._

-Flashback-

"Santa": You'll never amount to anything! You'll always be stoned!

(Baby Kratos watches with a joint in his mouth)

"Santa": You suck and you'll never be sober!

Hera ("Santa"'s Wife): What he said!

(Hera kicks Kratos down Mt Olympus)

-Flashforward-

Kratos: And so now, I seek to prove to my father, somewhere out there, I can be somebody without drugs.

Joe: *breaks the 4th wall* What the hell are you doing!

TBA: I'm giving Kratos a backstory and making him seem more... Human. It's so the audience can connect and...

Joe: I don't care if it makes the reader nominate the story for a nobel literature prize, BRING BACK THE KRATEHOUND!

TBA: What's in it for me?

Joe: ...You get your soul back

(Joe holds up a glass jar with Tinkerbell in it)

Tink: Help me, he made me hit myself!

(I scream like a little girl)

TBA: Ok, ok. Gimme the fairy and i'll restone "Kratehound"

(The trade takes place. I inject Kratos with a green thick liquid)

Joe: What was that?

TBA: Super concentrated pot resin with food dye and thickener. Long live St. Paddy!

(I disappear)

Joe: Kratos, how are you?

Kratos: I'm... I'm... STONED AS A *BLEEP*ING OX!

(Kratos uses the fleece on Euryale's door and repeats what he did last time. Fustrated, he picks up Joe's rock head and throws it at the Facewall. It shatters one of the glass eyes and Joe's skull)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

(Kratos deflects the remaining beam into the broken eye socket and fries the whole thing. The wall explodes)

Kratos: Dude, that was easy.

(Kratos goes on)

*End of Stage 1, Act 2*

**AN: More ads!**

BARGAINS! BARGAINS! BARGAINS! NOW! NOW! NOW! Come down to Typhon's Bow Emporium! We can offer you this exclusive bow, the Typhon's Bane, for only 5 Galleons and your immortal soul! Here's what 1 lucky customer has to say!

Kratos: It's a piece of sh-

Look how happy he is! So come down and test the brand new, supercheap Typhon's Bane today! _Disclaimer: We do not take responsibility for loss of vision, loss of life or bow's weakness. Get a girlfriend._

*Start of Stage 2, Act 2*

(Kratos reads the book on the pedestal. It's called "The Time Alice Went To Bunnyland". Euryale interrupts his reading with her fat snakey self)

Euryale : Kratos... Murderer of children!

Kratos: Euryale... Eater of chicken!

(Kratos highfives Joe)

Euryale: Shut up you pig! I am aware of the misery you have brought upon my brood!

(Kratos gulps)

Euryale: Ruthlessly cutting down my line. Your hands wear their blood. Praise to the Sisters; for on this day Kratos, you will meet your end!

(A fierce battle ensures involving Joe, a pot of oil and chicken feathers that I cannot be arsed writing down. Pop the game in the PS2 and relive the experience, you lazy nerd)

Kratos: Haha! I have triumphed!

(Dying Euryale pukes up Joe all over Kratos)

Dying Euryale: Owned!

(Euryale dies)

Joe's Skull: _Whyyyy?_

(Kratos reconstructs Joe and they leave the room)

Setting: Courtyard of Atropos

(Kratos and Joe are walking through the courtyard)

Hammerina: I say, chaps, I hear a voice!

Joe: Hammy's right! Listen!

Hammerina: Who... What... Oh, piss off!

(They hear the voice calling)

Kratos: It won't be easy getting up there... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Joe & Hammerina: ...Whuh?

(Kratos goes through the level like an 8-bit video game, finally finishing at the Large Stone Door)

Kratos: There... Done it...

(Kratos has a major heart attack)

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

(Kratos respawns back in the courtyard)

Kratos: ...SON OF A...

(A technical difficulties sign appears)

(Kratos appears at the Large Stone Door along with Joe and Hammerina)

Kratos: At last! Let's go inside

(They do so. Perseus runs up and tries to get past the door but only just misses it)

Perseus: You fools! That was my ONLY way out!

Kratos: Why don't you just jump up and walk between those pillars at the other end?

Perseus: Graphical Limitations.

Kratos: What?

Perseus: DIIIEEE!

(Perseus throws Kratos into a wall which falls backwards, revealing the set for Killzone)

Luger: Ok, Hakha. This had better... Hey, what happened to the fortress?

Rico: Motha*BLEEP*in' bald guy's working for Cap'n Motha*BLEEP*in' Adams! GET HIM!

(Everyone stares at Rico)

Rico: ...Motha*BLEEPin'... Bald guy...

(Rico walks backwards slowly)

Kratos: Heey, another pasty white bald guy!

Hakha: What?

Kratos: BALDIES UNIIIITE!

(A group of helmetless Helghast appear)

Kratos: More baldies! C'mon guys, unite!

Helghast: ...

(One solid hour of bad companion AI combat and 83 Kratos-deaths later)

Kratos: No... I am one of you... I am baaaald...

(Luger throws her knife into Kratos' throat)

Luger: Got another one!

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

(Kratos crushes Luger with Hammerina)

Hakha & Jan: NUUUU

(Hakha & Jan look at each other evilly before getting into a "Dustball Fight". You know what I mean)

Kratos: Ahahaha!

(Rico shoots at Kratos. He jumps and the bullets hit Perseus, killing him. Kratos highfives Rico before taking Perseus' helmet and shield)

*LATER*

Athena: God, today was busy. I'm just filthy all over!

(Athena begins to undress. Her shower curtain rustles for a second. She looks at it but sees nothing)

Athena: Hmm. Must of imagined it.

(Athena proceeds to walk to the toilet and empty her body of every meal she's had for 500 years. Suddenly Hera calls her for dinner. She runs down without putting her clothes back on. Kratos takes off his helmet, being the cause of the rustling)

Kratos: Never... Again...

(A chorus of screams echo from the dining hall. Kratos puts on the helmet again as Athena enters the room)

Athena: Ugh, I should sleep soon... Sleep deprivation does not go well with... Well, life in general.

(Athena bends down to pick up her clothes, practically waving her (unwiped) arse at Kratos)

Kratos: Oh gods!

Athena: What?

(Kratos pukes all over Athena. His helmet falls off)

Athena: Kratos!

Kratos: Umm... Uhh... I'm his... Twin bro! Named... Uhh... Krotas!

Athena: DADDY!

(Kratos jumps out a window... Right down the mountain)

Kratos: I regret nothiiiiing... *thud*

You Are Dead

Respawn!

Setting: The Courtyard

(Joe is standing up on the wooden platform holding the shield)

Joe: So you're SUUUURE this will bring back my flesh, Kratos?

Kratos: Absolutely!

(Kratos snickers to himself)

Joe: *Sigh* Kratos, I hope you know what you're doing.

Kratos: Have I ever steered you wrong?

Joe: ...

Kratos: ...Yeeeeeah. But you can trust me this time!

(Kratos snickers to himself again)

Joe: I have a wife back home you know. She's probably worrying to death about me.

Kratos: A... Wife?

Joe: Yes, my soulmate. And a kid.

Kratos: ...Kid?

Joe: If I die here, i'll never get to tell my wife I love her, or watch my son grow into a strong young man...

(Kratos, suprisingly, is the one that bursts into tears)

Kratos: Don't worry, buddy. Your ol' buddy Kratos is gonna make things right!

(Kratos runs off)

Joe: ...GODDAMNIT, you gave me a backstory! You're a famegrubbing *BLEEP* who doesn't care about his target audience!

TBA: Hold on, Joe. Not all is as it seems...

Joe: What the *BLEEP* does that mean?

(2 days later)

Unknown Woman: You WHAAAAT!

Joe: But Belinda, honey, it was the legendary Kratos' idea...

Belinda: (imitating Joe's voice) "But Belinda honey, it was the LEGENDARY KRATOS' idea!"

Joey: Mommy, what's that?

Belinda: SHUT UP!

(Joey starts crying)

Belinda: And how do you explain the "Legendary Kratos" forcing me and Joey to drink grey milk in a tedious button pressing minigame?

Joe: Uhh... Kratos... Was that... The ashes?

(Belinda and Joey's flesh deteriorates, leaving skeletons)

Joey: WAAH! MOOOOMMY!

Belinda WHAT THE *BLEEEEEEEEEP* YOU *BLEEP BLEEEEEEP BLEEEPITYBLEEPBLEEP*

Joe: It wasn't my fault!

Belinda: Great, now we'll NEVER fit into Athens again! Come now, Joey!

Joey: My skiiiin's gooone! *wails*

(Belinda and Joey leave. Joe stands there with his jaw litteraly to the floor)

Kratos: So... I'm guessing all went well?

Joe: ...Grrrrr...

Kratos: Uhh, are you okay there, buddy?

Joe: GRRRRRR! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU PIG*BLEEP*ING...

(A Technical Difficulties screen pops up)

(2 hours later)

Hammerina: Ooh, Rocketship is fun!

(Hammerina is in the platform with the shield crudely tied to him. The beam of Atropos' eye fries the shield and burns Hammerina. TBW's spirit is seen escaping)

TBW's Spirit: I'm free! I'm finally...

(A large owl consumes TBW's Spirit)

Kratos: ...

(Joe and Kratos both burst out laughing)

(Kratos: There, your name went first. Can I have my blades back now?)

*End of Stage 2, Act 2*

Guess who's back? Lady Eurygah's back! And she has a whole list of NEW SONGS! Such as:

1: Close To My Tail

"Lady Eurygah": I've been waiting hours for this, these humans make me sick, I wish i'd stayed... In lair today..

2: Gut Weaver

3: We Are The Bitch-Snakes

"Lady Eurygah": Weeeee are the bitch-snakes, you ass. And weeeeee'll keep on fighting 'til the laaaaaast...

4: Get Into My Gut

5:Breaking the Diet

"Lady Eurygah": I don't know what's worth risking for, or why I have to eat. I don't know whats for breakfast since I dunno who can see...

6: Love of My Gullet

7: Eye of the Cyclops

8: I Ate Your Mama

"Lady Eurygah": All I hear is "I'm gonna kill you!" "You ate my mama!" "I'll massacre you!" Well, guess what, man? I ate your mama! Go hug your maaa-ma, I've got your mama...

So order now and recieve this FREE GORGON! *shows a cardboard cutout of a pony whith a bleeting sound effect*! Call now! *phone number*

**Quick AN: The songs in this list are USUALLY called: 1: Close to You by The Cure 2: Dream Weaver by Peter Frampton 3: We are The Champions by Queen 4: Jump in my Car by... David Hasselhoff? 5: Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park 6: Love of my Life by Queen 7: Eye Of The Tiger by... Survivor? and 8: Radio Gaga by... You guessed it, Queen!**

*Start of Stage 3, Act 2*

Setting: The Great Chasm

(Kratos and Joe show up at the decimated bridge)

Joe: How do we cross, Kratos? We don't have wings...

Kratos: I know, Joe. I know...

(Kratos ponders for a few seconds)

Kratos: Eureka!

(Joe's ribs are rattled loose. Kratos pulls 2 cans of Red Minotaur from his loincloth)

Joe: Uhh, Kratos? Why have you got Red Minotaur?

Kratos: Because Red Minotaur gives you wings, stupid!

Joe: There's NO way i'm drinking that, it's been near your co...

(Kratos tears open Joe's jaw and pours the drink down Joe's "mouth". It coats his bones)

Joe: Wha... What's happening to me?

(Joe's missing ribs jump up from the ground and form a basic wing structure. Branches and leaves from surrounding trees fill in the rest in, creating a pair of wicked demon wings)

Joe: ...Kratos... YOU'RE A *BLEEP*ING GENIUS!

(Joe jumps from the bridge... And falls straight down. The wings are too heavy)

Joe: *BLEEEEEEEeeeeeeee_eeeeeeeep_*

Kratos: Ahaha, owned!

(A large foam block swings out from nowhere and knocks Kratos into the chasm)

Kratos: What the f...

(Kratos' face smashes into a large rubber ball)

John Anderson: Ooh, that's one good wipeout, John!

John Henson: You said it, John!

Kratos: Wha?

(Silence)

Kratos: Okaaaay...

(Kratos quckly sculls his Red Minotaur and grows a MASSIVE pair of batwings, allowing him to glide down to Atlas for safety)

Icarus: Hmm, i'll have to go through there to get out of here...

(Icarus is crushed as Kratos makes a crash landing on top of him)

Kratos: Wow, what a nice cush...

(Kratos looks below him to see the horribly crippled Icarus)

Icarus: Help... Me...

Kratos: ...

(Kratos bursts out laughing)

Kratos: Hey Joe, where are you?

Joe: *muffled* I'm underneaph you...

Kratos: Oh.

(Kratos gets up. Joe reconstructs himself)

Joe: Those were some wicked wings. Shame they didn't work...

Kratos: Here, have mine!

Joe: Wha?

(TBA injects Kratos with more pot resin)

Joe: Thank you.

TBA: No prob.

Kratos: Really, take them. I want Icarus' wings

Joe: ...Thanks...

(They continue. Stuff happens, etc etc. They get to Atlas)

Atlas: Hey, it's that *BLEEP*hole who knocked out all my teeth!

Kratos: Oh sh...

(Atlas picks up Joe)

Kratos: ...Joe, dude, you're stealing my thunder!

Joe: Heeeelp meeeee!

(Atlas crushes Joe's bones to make his bread)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

Atlas: Wait, what? You can respawn?

Kratos: Yeah, we're the player characters. Player characters can respawn, sometimes infinitely.

Atlas: Dude, that's one awesome health plan

Kratos: You're telling me.

Joe: DROP THE NUUUUUKE!

(Joe flies past in a supersonic army jet and eraticates Atlas from extiction, leaving a pile of dust to hold up the world)

Joe: WOOOOOOOOO!

(Joe flies into a piller)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: ...JOE! How the hell will be get back up now!

Joe: I have wings.

Kratos: Oh yeah.

(Joe flies Kratos up to the surface)

Kratos: Alright, now let's go take out some weaving *BLEEP*!

*End of Stage 3, Act 2*

**AN: Sorry about the short 3rd stage, I was in a major rush. I don't want to leave you guys out in the cold. Enjoy these 2, and if you like them, you'll love Act 3. Trust me. Thank you for reading.**


	7. Chapter 5 Part III incomplete

(Joe and Kratos make it to the surface)

Kratos: Wow, that was a crazy 2 weeks!

Joe: I know! Who'd of known that Christmas was started by Mormons?

Kratos: I know, it's freaky...

(Kratos and Joe are ambushed by a group of monsters)

Joe: Holy *BLEEP*, enemies!

Kratos: I think I wet myself!

?: You 2 need to MAN UP!

(Rambo bursts through some bushes and begins to open fire on the monsters. The bullets bounce off the monsters and hit Rambo, killing him)

Joe: Unca RAAAAAAMBO!

Kratos: We'll avenge you... _With a vengeance!_

(Joe and Kratos dive into the swarm of monsters and begin to hack and slash... Then Kratos wakes up hanging by the skin of his torso inside a vertical tunnel)

Joe: Whoops, dropped you.

(Kratos moans. Joe ACTUALLY reaches the top)

Joe: Well, that was a fun half hour. You ok, Krate?

(Kratos moans)

Joe: Oh yeah, the blood loss.

(Joe siphons some green orbs from a nearby harpy to Kratos)

Kratos: Whoo, let's take on some monsters!

(An army of Cyclopi appear. THE EYEBALL KIND)

Kratos: Uhh... I'm dreaming, right?

(512 deaths later)

Kratos: Guess not.

(Kratos is squashed by a large oak club)

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

(A harpy adds a number to a scoreboard, reading "Kratos: 3 Cyclops: 513". A loud annoying horn goes off)

Loud Ominous Voice: Aaaaaaaaand that's the game!

(The cyclopi trudge off into the thick scrub, grunting excitedly)

Kratos: Joe... I can't feel my legs...

Joe: That's because you've been cut in half at the waist

Kratos: Oh.

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: Let's go!

Joe: Wait a sec... Kratos, what does the knee bone connect to?

Kratos: The thigh bone?

Joe: That's it!

Kratos: I'm guessing "Dem Bones" are driving you crazy, huh?

Joe: ...Wow, the excessive beating actually made you smarter.

Kratos: And don't you know it, Athena!

Joe: Or not.

(Kratos lifts the gate barring him from the Vomitorium Combat Arena. The walls begin to move. Kratos goes green)

Joe: Kratos, you don't look so great... Holy *BLEEP*, you're ODing! GODDAMNIT, Author, you're killing Kratos!

Kratos: No, motion sickness.

Joe: Oh.

(Kratos openly vomits on a nearby harpy)

Harpy (in stereotypical metrosexual style): Oh grooooss, now my hair's all messed up... You disgusting pig! And that loincloth is soooo 50,000 BC.

Kratos: _No one calls my loincloth old!_

(Kratos busts some awesome moves in midair, pwning some harpies. Meanwhile, Joe is waiting for the right moment to pull the cement block forward to stop the wall)

Joe: Ok, focus... Fooooocus...

(Skeleton 2 from Euryale's place pops up)

Skeleton 2: Eeehahaha!

Joe: Holy bajee...

Skeleton 2: *BLEEP*!

Joe: Ehh, I suppose you'll work for some time.

(Joe throws Skeleton 2 in front of the wall's path as it stops on the cement entrance. Joe takes the block and drags it as far as he can)

Skeleton 2: CRAAAAAAACK!

(the wall moves the last little bit and crushes Skeleton 2's spine with a cracking sound)

Joe: That was ironic.

(Joe moves the block a little bit and permanently jars the wall)

Joe: Alriiiight.

Kratos: Ahahaha, where's your precious masseuse NOW, punk? AHAHAHA!

Joe: Uhh, Kratos, the door's open...

Kratos: And your mother's gonna be the first harpy to recieve an eyeball in a box! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!

Joe: Dude, we really have to go...

Kratos: And you'll be cut open and nailed to your father's...

Joe: KRAAAATOS!

Kratos: Yup, let's go.

(They set off again)

Joe: Say Kratos, what's the hardest drug you've ever done?

Kratos: Rock!

(Kratos and Joe laugh like hell)

Joe: That was actually kind of funny!

Kratos: I know, right?

Joe: Ok, seriously now. Hardest drug?

Kratos: _All of them._

Joe: Like... Mixed together?

Kratos: Yeah. I got so wasted I thought my mother was Aphrodite!

Joe: Holy *BLEEP*, seriously?

Kratos: Yeah, I was making out with her and screaming at her to teach me the ways of love!

Joe: Oh my god, that's so wrong it's funny!

(Joe doubles over in a laughing fit)

Kratos: Oh, and I believe I stole a tiger and put it in some guy's bathroom!

Joe: Did...(Aha) He...(*chuckle*) Survive?

Kratos: No, he got slaughtered. The cheif thought Zeus got him! I got away scot free!

Joe: Oh god, I now have so much respect for you. That's... That's just awesome.

Kratos: I then OD'd.

Joe: AHAHA... wait, what?

Kratos: It was right after I'd killed my wife and daughter. I took the deadly cocktail to kill myself.

Joe: (now in a more serious tone) Oh my god...

Kratos: Then Zeus had to poke around in my subconscious and told me he needed me to pwn Ares. I forgot about it and lived my life, then Athena had to remind me.

Joe: But how'd you survive?

Kratos: A sudden overwhelming urge to live. Probably Athena's doing.

Joe: I didn't know you could will yourself back to life.

Kratos: You can't. This story's full of holes.

Joe: I see...

Zeus: (from the sky) So that's what happened to my tiger! You butt plug!

Kratos: Go molest some children, _your holiness._

Zeus: How did you... Uhh, I mean, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?

Joe: Holy damn, Jimmy? Is that you?

Zeus: Oh *BLEEP*...

Joe: So THIS is your administration job! Oh my god, you're Zeus!

Zeus/Jimmy: Yes, Joe, i'm Zeus.

Joe: I've been questing alongside my best friend's enemy, who is my best friend. however, if my best friend's enemy is my best friend, who is my enemy?

Zeus: He is!

Kratos: No, that rock!

Zeus: ROXAS!

Kratos: ROXAS!

Joe: LET ME THINK!

(Joe's head explodes)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: Joe... Joe, you there?

Joe: Ugh... where are we?

Kratos: We're in the auditorium of Lahkesis. You passed out laughing.

Joe: You mean Zeus isn't my old best friend?

Kratos: ...Can skeletons take drugs?

Joe: I wish.

Kratos: Then you're just retarded. Come on, we need to get a translator.

Joe: Leave it to me!

(Joe pulls out a cell phone. He dials in a number)

Kratos: Oh my god, a talkbox!

Joe: Shut up Kratos, it's ringing... _Yes, Osama? We need some help here._

Kratos: Who is it?

Joe: Uhh... Owllama's Translating agency! They're sending out a translator as we speak!

(A plane flies out of the sky and bombs the room the translator is kept in. The translator flies out of the now pile of rubble right in front of Kratos)

Translator: Please don't hurt me!

Kratos: ...Wow, Owllama knows how to deliver in style.

Joe: Yes, he does... _goddamnit..._

Translator: I... I have forgotten the words.

Kratos: Read it!

Translator: DILDODILDODILDODILDODILDO!

(Kratos beats him with a nearby metal rod)

Translator: Uhh, I mean... Hear me, sisters of fate! Another searches for what only the sisters can give...

Kratos: Keep reading!

Translator: ...The best damn lapdances in town!

(2 poles come down from the ceiling and 2 hot women slide down, as 2 Of Hearts plays in the backround)

Kratos: ...Screw revenge on Zeus, i'm living here!

(Kratos wakes up to Joe slapping him)

Joe: Kratos! The door is open!

(The whole place is a pile of rubble and the door is missing)

Kratos: Wow, that was one powerful lapdance!

Joe: What?

Kratos: _Nothing..._

(they continue on)

Translator: Hello? Hello? Give me fooooood!

(No response)

Translator: Aww.

SETTING: The Garden of the Gods

(Kratos walks in and sees the Athena statue)

Kratos: Hey Joe, watch this.

(Kratos starts making out with the statue. The statue starts talking and bites off Kratos' tounge)

Athena Statue: Kratos, you know not what you do. There are things far more important than your revenge. Zeus did what he must to protect Olympus. Gaia speaks nothing but half-truths and falsehoods. The Titans...

(Kratos smashes the statue)

Kratos: Bith sthole my thung!

Joe: Hold still, I'll get it back in working order...

(Joe kills Kratos)

YOU ARE DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: YOU STUPID *BLEEP*ING TRAITOR!

Joe: I don't think so. Say something.

Kratos: I just di... Ohh, I see what you did. Thanks, man.

(they continue)

Setting: Auditorium of Atropos

(Kratos looks through the gate bars and sees people playing basketball)

Joe: What the hell.

Kratos: well, it is an auditorium.

Joe: ...Dude, that actually made sense. What the hell is wrong with you?

Kratos: I wish I knew, Joe. I wish I knew.

(Kratos pulls out Typhon's Bane and owns everyone but one. WITH TEN SHOTS EACH)

Translator 2: You'll never reach the sisters!

(Translator 2 jumps off the ledge. Kratos shoots his blade like Spiderman does with his webs and wraps the chain around Translator 2's leg. He slowly drags him up)

Kratos: I caught him, he's ok.

(Kratos examines Translator 2 when he arrives. Translator 2 has a broken neck)

Joe: Dude, that's a huge ripoff of Spiderman. Goddamnit TBA, not cool!

TBA: I thought it was. Shut up.

Joe: Peter Parker lost the love of his life in the same way, it changed the way comic book readers thought about comic book death. It changed nerd culture!

TBA: It happened. Live with it.

Joe: YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHO-

(Joe gets struck by lightning)

JOE IS DEAD

Respawn!

Kratos: I have an idea...

(Kratos goes back in time with the corpse)

Translator 2: You'll never reach the... Wh-what's that?

(Translator 2 walks to the barred gate and looks at his own corpse. He sheds a tear)

Joe: Uhh... Weren't you going to kill yourself anyway?

Translator 2: I placed a net under the ledge *sob*.

Kratos: Ahaha, my plan worked!

(Kratos goes back in time again)

Translator 2: You'll never reach the sisters!

Kratos: Wait, I have a proposition for you!

Translator 2: ...Yes?

Kratos: If I can read your mind and tell you something I shouldn't know, you have to translate for me.

Translator 2: ...Hmm. You've got a reputation of being quite a stoner...

(Kratos leans in expectantly)

Translator 2: ...Ok, i'm in.

(Kratos touches Translator 2's head and begins making "ohm" noises. Joe watches for a few seconds, then looks away shaking his head)

Joe: You've gotta be kidding me. He'll just jump anyway!

TBA: I wouldn't be so sure...

Kratos: Hmm... Tough one... You have a net under the ledge for which to catch yourself so you can live.

Translator 2: But... How did you know?

Kratos: It's _all_ in the fingers.

Translator 2: Well, alright. I'll translate. But i'll do a really lousy job of it!

Kratos: Oh _really? _*cracks knuckles*

Translator 2: _No sir._

(Translator 2 clears his throat)

Translator 2: DILDODILDODIL...

Kratos: It's already been done.

Translator 2: Oh.

(Translator 2 clears his throat)

Translator 2: Hear me, noble Sisters who forge our destinies. Another seeks an audience to change their... Oh god, I'm so SICK of this!

Kratos: Hmm?

Translator 2: Basically, you have to kill me with blunt trauma so I bleed onto the floor. Okay?

Kratos: Okay... Thanks...

(Kratos smashes Translator 2's face in with Joe's primary leg bone)

Joe: Mr Leany!

(Lahkesis appears)

Lahkesis: Kratos. Like the fiery Phoenix who is resurrected from his ashes, you too search for a second chance at life. Find these ashes and free the Phoenix. Only then will you find a path to the temple of the Fates.

Kratos: Umm... Will this path include riding the Phoenix?

Lahkesis: Yes, it will.

Kratos: Well, does it have like... A saddle or something? I want to prevent burning... You know...

Lahkesis: The Phoenix is an ancient creature, Kratos. It was around before the humans, and was never known to be successfully tamed, let alone saddled and ridden.

Kratos: ...Will I ever *BLEEP* again?

Lahkesis: If the heat doesn't vaporise it on contact, It will surely render you sterile in a matter of milliseconds. Your pair will begin to bubble and boil, and...

Kratos: Okay, enough already. I'll just wear leather pants.

Lahkesis: Ooh, sexy!

Kratos: ...I'm sorry, what?

Lahkesis: Uhh... Umm... Get to work, puny mortal!

(Lahkesis disappears)

Joe: Mr Leany... What did they do to you?

(shows Translator 2 with leg up his nose, blood pouring from the spare nostril)

Kratos: Dude, just take it so we can go.

Joe: (completely forgetting his previous anguish) Ok.

Setting: The Darkened Room

(An un-named warrior lunges at Kratos. Hardcore Battling ensues. Kratos slams the warrior outside. It is revealed he is The Spartan Warrior)

Kratos: You?

The Spartan Warrior: My... Lord?

Kratos: I told you to return to Sparta. Why do you leave Sparta unprotected? WHY IS SPARTA ALOOOONE?

The Spartan Warrior: Sparta... Is no more.

Kratos: ...SAYWHAT.

The Spartan Warrior: Zeus came under the cloak of darkness... Into Sparta. It was during my shift...

(Cuts to TSW banging a prostitute. A booming sound and rumbling start up)

TSW: GET OUT, I'M ON MY 5 MINUTE BREAK!

(Zeus' eye looks down into the tower. TSW recoils in horror)

Zeus: HERA?

Hera: Hey big man, want some wine?

Zeus: YOU!

(He points at TSW)

TSW: Hey, I paid for her! And I didn't know she was your girl.

Zeus: Oh, ok the- HEY, you're just trying to get me out of here!

TSW: No, I seriously paid for her. Get the *BLEEP* up, my break's almost over.

Zeus: Your break... Has only just begun!

(Zeus collapses the roof on TSW. He takes Hera and puts her on his head)

Hera: I'm riding this baby to MEXICO!

(Cuts back to the present)

TSW: That's all I remember... When I woke up, Sparta was nothing more then a pile of rubble. Wait, I remember one more thing...

(Cuts to Zeus urinating on a pile of flaming rubble)

Zeus: Take THIS, you sissy spartans! Drown in my flood!

(Cuts back to the present)

TSW: I was left with no choice. I had to seek out the Sisters to change the fate of our beloved Sparta, for I am all that is left. Now you are all that is left.

(Joe bursts into tears)

TSW: But do not feel so bad, my lord... *cough* ...There is only one thing you have not given...

Kratos: What is it, my... ally?

TSW: ...You never got my White Castle.

(The Spartan Warrior falls silent)

Kratos: ZEEUS!

(Zeus appears right next to him)

Zeus: Yes?

Kratos: AAAHH! Oh man, you gotta stop doing that.

Zeus: But it's fun!

Kratos: I don't care! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah!

(Kratos right hooks Zeus. Zeus falls to the ground)

Kratos: Think you'd destroy my city, would you? WOULD YOU?

Zeus: (crying) Y-Yes, i'm sorry!

Kratos: Sorry isn't going to cut it!

(Kratos kicks Zeus in the face, knocking him onto his back)

Zeus: No, stop!

Kratos: YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THIS, DO YOU? YOU MADE THIS!

(Kratos breaks down and begins to cry. Zeus escapes)

AN: And that's the end. No, really. It's over. I can't keep on wasting time on crap like this. Script fiction is not only inferior to 3rd person narrative, but it's BANNED from this very site. I'm sick of being "edgy". I just want to get this damn thing out so people can read what i've already done. Yes, this is a copout. So much time has been wasted on this, and it doesn't even have an end. Well, here's a life lesson for you: Life is full of copouts. Learn to take them like a man/feminist.

I really am sorry about ranting at you, the reader, but it's true. Some stories don't have an ending, and instead of just putting this project off over and over again, I think I should just... end it here, and turn it into one of those stories. Plus, it mirrors real life. You get angry, you get so close to your goal... and then you just cry. You think of the futility of it all and you refuse to move forward. Weaker-minded people, like myself, can barely get out of these. But YOU, the reader, needs to realise that sometimes, disappointments are gonna happen and you need to take them, and keep going!

You need to realise, if you have not already, that sometimes not all stories come prepackaged with an ending. Sometimes, you have to imagine or write the ending yourself. Each time you find a copout, try and fix it in your own mind instead of waiting obediently for someone to write an ending for you. Move forward from every mistake, and try to make something of yourself. If you don't, you'll be swallowed by the darkness of depression.

...Hoo boy. what a rant. Well, I think i'll wrap this up. Thanks to all who have read this story and thanks to all who will read it in the future. I'm so utterly sick of my own creation i'm putting it to an end prematurely. I do hope you've enjoyed it, I really do. It took a long time to write.

You guys are lucky. I cut a major emo part out of this. Seriously, it is something to be thankful for.

Adios, amigos.


End file.
